Okay, forgive me, but I'm going to be pretty critical in my opinion. Don't take it personally, but this looks like it's still an early draft. First off the pacing is pretty confusing. In the first few pages you're awkwardly thrust into a plot device of action, this is supposedly the opening action. But then that plot device is immediately discarded as if it wasn't even necessary, despite learning details about a new character. The juxtaposition from action to complete idleness is so disconcerting.
Next the lack of describing a scene leaves too much for the imagination. Sure there's a nice atmosphere building similar to the Game of Thrones books, but the actual objects and direct scenery aren't described at all, hardly even acknowledged. And because the scenes move so quickly, it becomes distracting, so you'll have to stop and reread to get your bearings.
Now, there are a few irritating cliche's throughout this chapter alone. The name 'Limit Force' sounds like the name for a B-grade Marvel superhero, I mean what did that guy do to his parents as a baby to be named Limit? And then there was this bit of dialogue, "We have been walking about 7 miles. may we please rest? The others agree that for all of us to move on, we will need to settle for a minimum of 20 minutes."
The way I would have written it would be like this: "May ... we ... please rest," the soldier panted, Limit stopped so that he could catch his breath, "the others agree that we need at least twenty minutes to settle, otherwise we'll just slow down to a crawl."
You see how the latter gives off more character? I'm not saying I'm a superior writer to anyone (believe me, I think that everything I've ever written is worse than used toilet paper), but the way it was written before makes him sound like a robot, what with no apostrophes and calmness, despite being so exhausted.
Finally (and this is the biggest one), I assume that this is a serious type of book, not comedy focused or light-hearted. So why in Gods name are there so many Minecraft references?! I mean, there's an easter egg, and then there's the focus on minerals and materials, creepers and an obsidian dagger (which you wouldn't make a blade from that in real life unless you had no other material but seaweed.) It's so 'in your face' that it's distracting, this would make a pretty cool fan fiction, as this style of writing is generally accepted there, but I seriously don't recommend trying to get this published while the words, 'Notch the Creeper' are anywhere in it.
